from my diary..

Tuesday
November 10,2009

Everyday, I always wonder why i love him so much. I really don't know the reason. I really don't know why. I don't want to love him anymore but something pushes me to love him. Everytime i see him smile, everytime he crack jokes, everytime he teases me, I hate it but i love it.. T_T

I always wait for him to say
"I LOVE YOU" but i am tired. I want to move on. I want to have my own life w/o him or maybe w/o treating him special. ILOVEHIM..




I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!

Bye DAD..

December 26, 2009 morning..

i was asked to do bathe my dad and i did not know that it'll be his last...


I never thought of losing my dad even though he's already sick..
I never thought of losing the person once build me as good person..
I never thought of having a great father like him..

Dad, my dad is the best man in my whole life, even though he never heard that coming from me, i always made him feel that he is. I love my dad so much.

i know he won't read this anymore but for those people who still had their fathers with them guys, I'm telling you always make them feel how much you love them.

I can still clearly remember when father was still strong, he used to carry me when i want to after eating at Jollibee and after his work he won't forget to bring me some ice cream. I love to eat ice cream coming from him. I remember that moment, he forgot to bought me an ice cream because it was already late at night but still i waited for him because i really wanted to eat some ice cream, he gave me a cup but the content wasn't an ice cream but salt. he and mom kept on laughing when they saw me so upset and he promised me that he will buy me some the next morning.

i can also remember how i played my girly stuffs with my dad. I'm the beauty expert and he's my model. HAHA!! imagine how a strong cop will turn into a beauty queen? my dad was really mad that time but my mom kept on laughing when she saw him like that so he let me do it.

i remember every time he brought me infront of the headquarters where he worked, there's a sari-sari store and he let me eat what i want and when came back he'll pay for everything i ate.

but that strong man will never always be strong. he started having stroke due to plenty of sufferings and problems. Until one day he started being partially dependent to us. we took care of him until Dec. 26, 2009 came.

when i am giving him a bathe i never thought of him taking off his ring that he never ever took off since he had it. so i ignored it, afternoon my mom i asked me not to leave my dad alone in the our room but i did not listen.
i still seat infront of this laptop.

late afternoon i left home, i left my mom, my dad and our housekeeper alone. my cousins weren't at home that time, they were at cabanatuan far from here at valenzuela. after i finished doing my worship service and before i went to the church our housekeeper called me saying, "Erikah! Erikah! umuwi ka na dito, EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY!" so i run as fast as i could but i get tired and remained calm so i called them back to ask what was really happening that time, and also to instruct what to do but i heard my mom screaming so i rushed back home.

when i came i saw my dad lying on the bed and my mom was hugging him and screaming my dad's name. I let my mom moved back and assess if dad still has his pulse. positive, he still has it but he don't have his respiration so i did some respiratory resuscitation to him but he's not responding so i did CPR or cardiopulmonary resuscitation to him until we got to the hospital.

they started putting some apparatuses to my dad, introducing medications, doing CPR and then they stopped for 20min. while they were doing those things to him, i kept on praying and ask for prayers from my friends. after 20min. the doctors again started doing CPR to him.

8:41pm my father was declared dead.


and that was the saddest moment i ever had in my entire life.. losing my dad..

I LOVE YOU DAD..

I MISS YOU..

LOVE.UNDEFINED.

aaa..child love..

ang pag-ibig pag nasaktan ka parang cancer.
hindi mo alam,hindi mo mapepredict kung kelan tatama sa'yo.
pag hindi mo pa alam na meron ka,alam mo ang dapat gawin para sa ibang tao.
sumuporta,palakasin ang loob pag nasasaktan. pero pag ikaw na ang meron at nasaktan ka.
hindi mo na alam ang gagawin. hindi mo alam kung paanong suporta ang gagawin mo sa sarili mo.
hindi mo alam kung pano ka mabubuhay na dala2 ang saki na 'yon sa'yo.

mearon akong kakilala, bata pa lng xa may nakasama na siyang kaibigan na halos kasabay n rin niyang lumaki. lumipas ang ilang taon 15 years old siya noon, with that age scientifically adolescents are really aggressive. kaya, yung kaibigan niya prket nakakaramdam siya ng kaba,hiya,kilig tuwing makikita niya akala niya mahal na nya. kay sinabi niya kaagad sa kaibigan niya na mahal niya 'to. napasubo sa isang hindi siguradong sitwasyon.

lumipas ang ilang taon,namuhay siya ng malaya,normal na nagdadalaga. nagkakagusto sa iba. pero, dumating ang isang araw na parang merong isang papautok na sumabog sa puso niya na nag bigay ng kasiguraduahn na mahal niya ang kaibigan niya. naging maayos ang lahat sa kanila.
naging masaya,mas nagkakilala. pero isang araw,naisipan niya na tanungin ang kaibigan kung ano ang nararamdaman nito para sa kanya. isang katangahan na alam niya. dahil alam naman niya kung ano ang mahgiging sagot. Hindi. hindi siya gusto nito. tuloy pa rin ang buhay para sa kanya. kahit masakit, tinatago niya. lagi pa rin siyang nasa tabi ng kaibigan niya. bawat araw kada pag gising niya, humihiling siya na mawala na ang nararamdaman niya para sa kaibigan na isang malaking pagtataka para sa kanya na bakit sa araw-araw na pag hiling niya, lalo niya pa itong minamahal.

ngayon. patuloy pa rin siya sa buhay,umaasa na darating ang panahon na mapapagod din siya na mahalin ang kaibigan niya.

ugh!

My school. Our Lady of Fatima University. I dunno if I would still love it or not.
maybe I can say yes not because of the people whose been with me all the time but because of the experiences that I already encountered and going to encounter inside the university.

Frequent changing of schedules was a damn disaster. I don't want it but it gives me uhmmm..how do I say this?thrill?adventure and more! that's why the schools motto was veritas et misericordia a latin translation for truth and compassion. Ugh! Compassion meaning to suffer with. well then, now I know. We suffer with the school's whirlwind minded staffs.

I can't blame them because they have a lot of students, mostly Nursing students like me. In fact we are really over crowded. But still they can manage us quite fine. I admire my school because it's really rising to the top. the administrators were aiming higher that's why we rise faster, expecting that the school was too small to stand in front of the huge universities inside the Philippines. whew!that's a great pleasure for the school and an encouragement for the students to aim higher. Even we experienced and will experience bad things inside the school just due to the schedules. really, really bad posting and announcing of schedules, It's not a problem anymore having the top students to the board examination?I am in a good hands. (cross fingers for goodluck!haha!)

Forever.. : )

They made me feel so happy today and always. Best friends I know will always be with me to stay, whenever I am in suffer, whatever makes me cry, whoever pulls me down. They will always be my best friends and sisters that will always make me in comfort whenever I'm with them. I promise to protect them even I am weak, even I am worthless. Because I know, they will do the same thing for me. Not expecting anything, I JUST KNOW.

This blog is dedicated to my best friends.

REGINE MARIE S. BATAYCAN
MICAH ANGELINA E. CHU
MA. KATHRINE JOY BIBIANO
MA. FATIMA GALGANA
CHARMAIGNE TOGLE
NORELLA PATRICIA C. CONCEPCION


Specially made by:

MA. ERIKAH G. DABU

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!
you're worth keeping.

FOREVER.